I had every intention of following through on my threat to older sister, that she would have to leave if she was going to create a negative atmosphere for me this weekend. First, finally being home, and in a place of relative safety, I needed the chance to decompress and not have to worry about other people, as I have has to almost continuously over the last month. Second, I have this huge assignment due on Monday. I NEED to finish it. I NEED to concentrate.
Unbeknownst to me, Big sis had organised to pick up her son, so she could spend the weekend with him for his 10th birthday. And it was made emminently clear to me, that I would be incredibly selfish if I got in the way of that, whatever our issues are right now. Fast forward to last night, where I spent most of the evening wrapped in a blanket outside, (its winter here), trying to get my assignment finished. Her son, as much as I love him was being a hyperactive brat. Not his fault really. She pumps him full of sugar, and then proceeds to ignore him. She won't discipline, because she doesn't wan't to be the bad guy. And I can't discipline because she would hit the roof. So he races around the house, screaming and jumping on people.
Fast forward to this morning. Where the whole household has to tiptoe around the house, as my sister is sleeping on the pullout sofa, and more than likely won't wake until close to noon. Not that I have any desire to play music at full blast or vacuum or anything, more just the annoyance that in my own home I am limited to what I can do based on her laziness. Don't get me wrong, if it was actually a sleep issue, I would be sympathetic. But its not, its a choice. She won't go to bed at a decent time, but still ends up sleeping a full 12 hours or so, because she sleeps the day away. Its insane. And of course, her son is bored, and thus acting up.
End result, my ability to concentrate and get the work I need to get done completed is limited. To be fair, I am not sure even if I had the full weekend in relative peace, I would have been able to complete it.... the work load is huge. But at this rate, I can say with relative certainty it is near on impossible. If not completed in time, I fail. Do I keep pushing myself to do it, even though I am pushing myself to emotional meltdown point, even though there is every chance it will all be for nothing? I guess I don't have a choice... I need to do my best to get it done.
I was on the edge of this meltdown last night. I tried calling a friend but she didn't answer (turns out she was at a party and didn't hear the phone), so I went to the next step on my cruddy crisis plan and tried to contact therapist (D). She texted back to let me know that she was not in a position where she could talk, and could I try calling the friend (the one I had already called). I understood. She is not always able to be available, and she had warned me in our last session that there was a good chance she wouldn't be available this weekend. But it left me in a place where I was then wasting time trying to deal with this meltdown myself, rather than working on the assignment. Hugely frustrated with myself.
Tomorrow, I have my first face to face session with (D) in over a month. And I know it will be weird, after a month of not actually being in each other's presence, despite quite regular phone contact. And I am pretty sure a lot of the session will be meta-therapy...talking about therapy and containment etc. I am also pretty sure a good portion of the session will be devoted to exploring dependency issues and examining my feelings about being away for so long. All things that probably need to be talked about and makes sense to talk about. All things that I have absolutely no desire to talk about regardless. Like so many out there, I am aware of how closely I am attached to (D) (uggggggggggggh!) but I DON"T want to talk about it!! But it is probably best I do, I guess. We'll see how I go.
Well, life in a nutshell at the moment.
Take care out there in blogworld
Love and peace