Cos ya gotta have friends...

Bad weekend.

Since my discharge from hospital, I have found it incredibly difficult to motivate myself to do anything on my HUGE to do list. A much larger list, since I took a two week siesta from the real world, made painfully overwhelming and paralysing by the fact it all needs to be done ASAP if I am to do my prac placement in a week and a halfs time. My whole semester depends on me getting through this list. But I couldn't seem to motivate myself to even do the dishes.

I sat around thinking about it today, with this paralysing anxiety pressing down on my chest, making it hard to breathe. I can't do it all. I'll never get it done. I'm a giant failure..blah blah blah. Much more constructive than actually just getting on and doing it, no?

Sleep is still shite. Self harm ideation high. Temptation strong, as opportunity is available. Lis Sis out of town for the weekend. In the end, (I suprised myself) I reached out. I wasn't safe. So I called a friend (S) who popped straight over in her pajamas. She has just left now, at 3am in the morning. We didn't talk much about the SI stuff.... I don't really like to lay that burden on friends. I felt terrible just for calling her. But she did help me get started on my list. Bless her cotton socks, she even helped me clean the house, so I have a clear free environment to finish my assessment pieces tomorrow. And then we just chatted for a few hours. The distraction was enough to get me to a point where I know I can make it through the night safely. She's going to check in on me tomorrow arvo, and then Lis Sis will be home. How blessed am I to have such a wonderful friend?

Here is a shout out to all the good friends out there. The ones who show up when the chips are down and the gremlins are biting, and pass it off as if it is nothing. Those hours they spend with us, distracting us or cheering us on, pushing us when needed. People with mental health issues certainly can be a scary thing to deal with, we can be draining at times and our actions incomprehensible. But you love us and accept us anyway. You always see the 'real' person still there underneath. And you do it with grace.