Thursday, May 13, 2010

Anybody left?

I guess I somewhat abandoned this blog, and by virtue of that any loyal readers for a while, huh? I am taking a peek out of the cave I have hermited myself away in for the past few weeks to offer an explanation.

My evil arch enemy, sleep, has returned to do battle again. It got to the point where I was sleeping no mored then 90 minutes a night, and that was broken and filled with horrible nightmares. Fun fact. Apparently when you are incredibly sleep deprived, your body goes into REM (dream) cycle really quickly, which for me, in turn means I wake up in a cold sweat when my head has barely hit the pillow, only to stare into the dark for a few hours calming myself enough to sleep again. I went through all the normal sleep deprived stages- sluggish and cranky, manic, anxious and jittery and finally totally apathetic and depressed. Finally we decided on a short hospitalisation. For some reason, hospital seems to historically be a place I sleep better. I had also found a stash of old medication, even though I am currently restricted to 7 days supply at a time, and decided the grown up thing to do would be to hand it over to be disposed of, rather than risk doing something impulsive while sleep deprived. This is a big step for me, usually I would of kept it as my just in case security blanket. I would have owned up if someone asked me directly if I had a stash, but kept stum if they didn't. And they had no reason to believe I did, they thought it had all been previously confiscated.

Anyway, it was supposed to be a short stay, four days over the long weekend. I didn't want my family to know I had once again epically failed and ended up in the nut bin, so I implied I was going way for the weekend. Implied, who am I kidding? I lied. And I hated doing it. But this was my third stint this year. I was ashamed. But then the unthinkable happened. Hospital did nothing really to change my sleep. They plied me with PRN's. The stay was extended a few more days. I had to come clean to my sister. Then a few more days, over Mother's Day, I had to come clean to the rest of the family. An old duck of a night nurse would walk in at 3 in the morning to see me still lying there in bed with my eyes wide open, and cluck exasperatingly "Why aren't you asleep?!". I wish I knew. After 13 days, it became apparent the hospital intervention was an out and out fail, and I was dicharged. Tired. But still alive. So I guess that's one benefit.... That was yesterday.

I'm trying to get through all your blogs, but my google reader is chockas....luckily, I have plenty hours of reading time at night while you other fools are sleeping!


  1. I am here. And nocturnal. Sorry the hospitalisation didn't help with things. Well done for handing in the meds though - that must have been an incredibly difficult thing to do. x

  2. Ah...Google Reader never forgets. It has been faithfully checking your feed all this time. It's good to have you back. I'm sorry to hear that sleep has become a battle for you.

  3. Hello honey, I'm not sure what to say except I really hope you can get some sleep soon! *Hugs*

  4. Still here, Sweets! I'm sorry things went tits up again, it sounds horrible, and insomnia is soul destroying. Am very glad that you people looking after you though. Make sure you stay safe!

    Lola x

  5. I'm still here. I'm sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time with sleep. I hope you can find some way to get much needed rest.

  6. I was in hospital the same time as you this time, though, besides the worry for the nurses of me running away, I actually did get a bit better and with addition of a higher lithium level and now the addition also of zyprexa. Joy! The good thing for me is that I was at my optimum on the drugs I am on now and I'm hoping they help but I'm still tired with the zyprexa and now I am started back to work on monday. I'm worried about the tiredness because being back at the uni I used to work and tried to impress since I want to apply for the job I am filling in for which is currently vacant. No pressure of course. I have to think positive. My problem, I am sleeping too much. I just had a courier company call me about an hour ago because they needed to pick up a parcel but I was asleep and the knocks at the door didn't wake me, the phone did. Embarrasing. I am still tired. I hope you get some good sleep soon!