Still here

I hope to start blogging again soon. I just have so much going on in my head, it's hard to commit anything into words...

I'm going into hospital for a 'respite' stay this long weekend, hopefully to get my sleep back under control. I should be out on Tuesday.

Thanks for all the kind words and support.

Interrupted

I'm sorry.

I know I've disappeared off the radar for while now.

Life is just getting a bit too much for me to concentrate even long enough for a post.

I will try to get back to blogging soon.

For now, I just need to stick my head under the duvet cover, and disappear.

Hope all of you guys are doing ok

Love and Peace. Ophelia

Ch..ch..ch.. changes!

Well, I'm not in the trees anymore. Feet are planted firmly on the ground and the gremlins firmly back in my head. Today's and yesterday's session with therapist (D) have been horrible. I spent most of today's session in silence, unable to speak. Most of yesterdays as well. I was angry and anxious and scared all rolled up into a silent seething ball, with voices inside my head screaming, and (D)'s voice quietly across the room trying to break through it all. I'm not sure what exactly is going on. The topic of intimacy and trust came up yesterday, which was certainly a trigger. And there is a lot of changes going on at the moment (well, a lot for someone like me who hanles change pretty damn poorly) (D) is moving her offices to a different suburb next week (hence her week off) Today I said goodbye to Case Manager (M) who is on leave for two months (which was a lot harder than I thought it would be) New Temporary Case Manager (A) will drop by for our first meeting alone on Thursday morning. I have to find a school to do my uni prac requirement next month in, which requires a lot of cold calling and talking to strangers. I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed. Sleep is shite. House looks like a bomb hit it after the visitors on the weekend, and I haven't the energy to do anything about it yet. Money has me grinding my teeth is fear and frustration as I try to figure out how I'm going to pay all this months bills, and beat myself over the head for not being able to go and work a full time job like a normal person. Feeling useless and helpless and pathetic. Things just feel a bit out of control at the moment. And of course, feeling out of control for me, starts pushing the self harm and suicidal ideation buttons. I haven't acted on them, have been utilising my WRAP plan, (besides I am still  on weekly only dispensation of medications because I obviously can't be trusted. No sarcasms there... I can't.) As the kids book says "I can't go under it, can't go over it...I'll have to go through it!"
                                                                                  

Monkey Me

Very glad I was not suffering from the drug induced vertigo I had last weekend, today. For lots of reasons, but primarily, because I spent 3 hours, about 20 ft in the air attached to various wire aparatus with some rope and a harness! And my body is KILLING me now! But it was a lot of fun, and really a great way to rid the mind of gremlins temporarily. You have to be so mindful of safety (hook on, hook off etc), and determined and logical in figuring out the ways to make your way across obstacles of increasing difficulty. I had that whole "Mission Impossible" feel as I made my way backwards, and upside down across wires, jumped across ever increasing gaps from pole to pole (about 10cm in diameter!!) climbed up rock walls and cargo nets, through backwards through barrels suspended 20ft, across about four different flying foxes of various lengths and inlcines. My feet didn't touch the earth for three hours. I had a few moments of "I can't do this, its too scary" type panic. But mostly, it was "I can't do this, I've slacked off on the gym and now my upper body strength is somewhat pathetic" type panic. But I was determined to finish the course. And I did. Did I look ridiculous in my parachute jumpsuit and harness get up? Yes! Am I going to regret it with every muscle and fibre of my being when I wake up tomorrow? Likely! But, I went, I climbed, I conquered, and for three hours in the tree tops, I was at peace

Bleurghy has mostly gone

Appointment with BabyPsychDoc went as I had hoped yesterday. They have taken me off Effexor and put me on to Celexa. Still a wee bit nauseaus and dizzy, but nowhere near the horrible vertigo I have experienced for the previous week. I'm to call her tomorrow to let her know how the Cymbalta is going as it is an SNRI  (?) too. Missed therapy yesterday morning as I just would not have been able to navigate my way across town. Was going to take bus to Mental Health Clinic in the afternoon (literally like 500m from my house, but up a big hill, and the bus stops right outside my door and practically outside their's.) but Case Manager (M) called me, and when she heard how I was doing offered to come and pick me up for the appointment, which was great. The reason for her call, not so great. I have known for a fortnight now, that she is going on two month's leave, and she rang to arrange a time at my house tomorrow so I can meet her replacement (A). I am assured by everyone that (A) is lovely. She is an OT not a psychologist, but I am not sure how much difference that makes from a case management point of view. But I am often not good at opening up with new people, and trust is a huge issue for me, so the change will be....somewhat unsettling. Added to this my therapist (D) is away next week too, and BabyPsychDoc (Dr F) is on nights, I am left feeling somewhat bereft of my normal supports for those little crisis moments. But chin up, (K) is still around, and (D) will be contactable by phone.....and (A) well, I'll withhold judgement till I meet her. In other good news, my Group sessions on Wednesday's is going really well, and I am starting to feel a real cohesiveness with the group. Me, catergorically, not being a "Group" person. But there is a real sense of acceptance for who you are, and whatever state you may be in at that time. It is a shame it is so short in duration really.

Bleurghy...but Happy Easter

Happy Easter, everyone!

Have been home with the family but feeling quite bleurghy from the the Effexor.  Has kind of ruined the weekend somewhat. No races for me, was too unsteady, so I just hung out with my grandparents instead. We went out to a dam about half and hour out of town, for a picnic and to book our Christmas camp sites, which was lovely. But the car ride made me quite nauseus which is unusual for me. Tomorrow am heading back home to see if my jitty still loves me after being abandonded for two days. Lol. And after that, looking forward to seeing BabyPsychDoc and hopefully getting off this horrible horrible drug!

Peace and Love

Day Two on Effexor

Day two of my second attempt at Effexor. Still getting pretty bad vertigo, mild nausea. But will just follow BabyPsychDoc's advice and push through until our appointment on Tuesday, to see whether it abates. Sometimes drugs just have some yucky side effects while your body adjusts, I guess. Unfortunately, vertigo is competing with my still slightly manic-y mood, and with dental pain mostly abated, I set about cleaning the house, if somewhat staggeredly (yup, I making up words, just like Shakespeare). So the house is in perfect order, which is always nice to come back to after you go away for a few days. I also cleaned lil sis's room, just tidied stuff away, vacuumed, made her bed and did her laundry. Obviously, I stayed out of her drawers etc because I wouldn't like someone invading my space like that... I hope she doesn't mind, and is just happy to have a tidy room to come home to too. I just can't help myself at the moment. Everything has to be done. And it has to be done NOW,

Anyways, leaving early in the morning for hometown, not sure how much internet access I will have over the next few days. Mum (who is a registered nurse) wants to take me up to the hospital she works at to get my blood pressure checked. Just to see if that is what really is causing the vertigo...you know mums! But should be able to get in and out pretty quick, small country hospital, very slow and of course a dash of nepotism chucked in. Not sure I'll be up to the races though. Probably just spend a bit of time hanging with my gran, she has been pretty down lately. Am also excited to be able to grab some cuttings for my newly established gardens.

As for all the stuff from yesterdays blog, well, have decided to just let it go, and worry about it only if it becomes a more frequent occurance.  Am looking forward to a break away, and have enjoyed the min break from therapy thus far....but also feels quite odd...like I am in therapy withdrawal or something!

Happy Easter to All

Just plain scary

I guess "normal" is a subjective thing in any context, but probably especially to mental health professionals. In the last few months I have definately had some experiences that fall outside the realm of normal for me. Things that make me feel like I may actually be losing my mind. In particular, hallucinations (though these do seem to be linked to periods of extreme deprivation and seem quite benign when one considers what a hallucination could be.... its more shadows in my peripheral visions, strange patterns dancing off the wall and carpets ect) and dissociative states. Up until today, I would have said that I have experienced dissociative states beyond that which an average person would...we all do it, some of us just do it better than others I guess. Particulalrly in periods of real stress, ie after a horrible session, i would have no real memory of how I got home or what I'd been doing...it was like a mist I would slowly emerge from. But if I thought really hard, i could pinpoint the pertinenet details. Maybe not conversations, but yes, I saw that person. Maybe not how long, but I was in the Park for a while stuff like that. Until today. Today I blacked out an entire hour and a half, and I honestly have no recollection of what went on. I have evidence. (A new tooth in my mouth and an appointment for next month) but I went from lying in the dentist chair, beginning to panic, to being at home sitting on my bed, with an aching jaw and no idea how I got there. Just Blank. I even checked my medication to check i hadn't taken something. And frankly it scared the living shite out of me. Because I must have appeared normal-ish to the dentist or they would have kept me there. Or called someone. So "me" can leave my mind for an hour and a half and have some other seperate part of me take over, and no one notices?

I spoke to (K) and finally to (D) and (D) reassured me that everyone dissociates and whilst this was an extreme example it didn't mean I was going nuts. In fact given my fear of dentisits (not the pain, just feeling trapped and having things shoved in my mouth....flashbacks...enough said), given that I was alreasy under a wee bit of stress because the new attempt with efexor was not going to plan (same reaction, vertigo, but we're going to push on and see if it abates) and given that in general it has been a stressful few weeks, and there are a lot of changes coming up... it is quite understandable that it would happen. Rationally, I see her point, just as I did about the hallucinations, just as I do about the 'voices'.

But there is another part of me that thinks voices+hallucinations+losing periods of time is pretty much just leading me toward a nice cosy padded cell. It may be normal, expected or understandable to them, but to me it is just plain scary