Still here

I hope to start blogging again soon. I just have so much going on in my head, it's hard to commit anything into words...

I'm going into hospital for a 'respite' stay this long weekend, hopefully to get my sleep back under control. I should be out on Tuesday.

Thanks for all the kind words and support.

Interrupted

I'm sorry.

I know I've disappeared off the radar for while now.

Life is just getting a bit too much for me to concentrate even long enough for a post.

I will try to get back to blogging soon.

For now, I just need to stick my head under the duvet cover, and disappear.

Hope all of you guys are doing ok

Love and Peace. Ophelia

Ch..ch..ch.. changes!

Well, I'm not in the trees anymore. Feet are planted firmly on the ground and the gremlins firmly back in my head. Today's and yesterday's session with therapist (D) have been horrible. I spent most of today's session in silence, unable to speak. Most of yesterdays as well. I was angry and anxious and scared all rolled up into a silent seething ball, with voices inside my head screaming, and (D)'s voice quietly across the room trying to break through it all. I'm not sure what exactly is going on. The topic of intimacy and trust came up yesterday, which was certainly a trigger. And there is a lot of changes going on at the moment (well, a lot for someone like me who hanles change pretty damn poorly) (D) is moving her offices to a different suburb next week (hence her week off) Today I said goodbye to Case Manager (M) who is on leave for two months (which was a lot harder than I thought it would be) New Temporary Case Manager (A) will drop by for our first meeting alone on Thursday morning. I have to find a school to do my uni prac requirement next month in, which requires a lot of cold calling and talking to strangers. I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed. Sleep is shite. House looks like a bomb hit it after the visitors on the weekend, and I haven't the energy to do anything about it yet. Money has me grinding my teeth is fear and frustration as I try to figure out how I'm going to pay all this months bills, and beat myself over the head for not being able to go and work a full time job like a normal person. Feeling useless and helpless and pathetic. Things just feel a bit out of control at the moment. And of course, feeling out of control for me, starts pushing the self harm and suicidal ideation buttons. I haven't acted on them, have been utilising my WRAP plan, (besides I am still  on weekly only dispensation of medications because I obviously can't be trusted. No sarcasms there... I can't.) As the kids book says "I can't go under it, can't go over it...I'll have to go through it!"
                                                                                  

Monkey Me

Very glad I was not suffering from the drug induced vertigo I had last weekend, today. For lots of reasons, but primarily, because I spent 3 hours, about 20 ft in the air attached to various wire aparatus with some rope and a harness! And my body is KILLING me now! But it was a lot of fun, and really a great way to rid the mind of gremlins temporarily. You have to be so mindful of safety (hook on, hook off etc), and determined and logical in figuring out the ways to make your way across obstacles of increasing difficulty. I had that whole "Mission Impossible" feel as I made my way backwards, and upside down across wires, jumped across ever increasing gaps from pole to pole (about 10cm in diameter!!) climbed up rock walls and cargo nets, through backwards through barrels suspended 20ft, across about four different flying foxes of various lengths and inlcines. My feet didn't touch the earth for three hours. I had a few moments of "I can't do this, its too scary" type panic. But mostly, it was "I can't do this, I've slacked off on the gym and now my upper body strength is somewhat pathetic" type panic. But I was determined to finish the course. And I did. Did I look ridiculous in my parachute jumpsuit and harness get up? Yes! Am I going to regret it with every muscle and fibre of my being when I wake up tomorrow? Likely! But, I went, I climbed, I conquered, and for three hours in the tree tops, I was at peace

Bleurghy has mostly gone

Appointment with BabyPsychDoc went as I had hoped yesterday. They have taken me off Effexor and put me on to Celexa. Still a wee bit nauseaus and dizzy, but nowhere near the horrible vertigo I have experienced for the previous week. I'm to call her tomorrow to let her know how the Cymbalta is going as it is an SNRI  (?) too. Missed therapy yesterday morning as I just would not have been able to navigate my way across town. Was going to take bus to Mental Health Clinic in the afternoon (literally like 500m from my house, but up a big hill, and the bus stops right outside my door and practically outside their's.) but Case Manager (M) called me, and when she heard how I was doing offered to come and pick me up for the appointment, which was great. The reason for her call, not so great. I have known for a fortnight now, that she is going on two month's leave, and she rang to arrange a time at my house tomorrow so I can meet her replacement (A). I am assured by everyone that (A) is lovely. She is an OT not a psychologist, but I am not sure how much difference that makes from a case management point of view. But I am often not good at opening up with new people, and trust is a huge issue for me, so the change will be....somewhat unsettling. Added to this my therapist (D) is away next week too, and BabyPsychDoc (Dr F) is on nights, I am left feeling somewhat bereft of my normal supports for those little crisis moments. But chin up, (K) is still around, and (D) will be contactable by phone.....and (A) well, I'll withhold judgement till I meet her. In other good news, my Group sessions on Wednesday's is going really well, and I am starting to feel a real cohesiveness with the group. Me, catergorically, not being a "Group" person. But there is a real sense of acceptance for who you are, and whatever state you may be in at that time. It is a shame it is so short in duration really.

Bleurghy...but Happy Easter

Happy Easter, everyone!

Have been home with the family but feeling quite bleurghy from the the Effexor.  Has kind of ruined the weekend somewhat. No races for me, was too unsteady, so I just hung out with my grandparents instead. We went out to a dam about half and hour out of town, for a picnic and to book our Christmas camp sites, which was lovely. But the car ride made me quite nauseus which is unusual for me. Tomorrow am heading back home to see if my jitty still loves me after being abandonded for two days. Lol. And after that, looking forward to seeing BabyPsychDoc and hopefully getting off this horrible horrible drug!

Peace and Love

Day Two on Effexor

Day two of my second attempt at Effexor. Still getting pretty bad vertigo, mild nausea. But will just follow BabyPsychDoc's advice and push through until our appointment on Tuesday, to see whether it abates. Sometimes drugs just have some yucky side effects while your body adjusts, I guess. Unfortunately, vertigo is competing with my still slightly manic-y mood, and with dental pain mostly abated, I set about cleaning the house, if somewhat staggeredly (yup, I making up words, just like Shakespeare). So the house is in perfect order, which is always nice to come back to after you go away for a few days. I also cleaned lil sis's room, just tidied stuff away, vacuumed, made her bed and did her laundry. Obviously, I stayed out of her drawers etc because I wouldn't like someone invading my space like that... I hope she doesn't mind, and is just happy to have a tidy room to come home to too. I just can't help myself at the moment. Everything has to be done. And it has to be done NOW,

Anyways, leaving early in the morning for hometown, not sure how much internet access I will have over the next few days. Mum (who is a registered nurse) wants to take me up to the hospital she works at to get my blood pressure checked. Just to see if that is what really is causing the vertigo...you know mums! But should be able to get in and out pretty quick, small country hospital, very slow and of course a dash of nepotism chucked in. Not sure I'll be up to the races though. Probably just spend a bit of time hanging with my gran, she has been pretty down lately. Am also excited to be able to grab some cuttings for my newly established gardens.

As for all the stuff from yesterdays blog, well, have decided to just let it go, and worry about it only if it becomes a more frequent occurance.  Am looking forward to a break away, and have enjoyed the min break from therapy thus far....but also feels quite odd...like I am in therapy withdrawal or something!

Happy Easter to All

Just plain scary

I guess "normal" is a subjective thing in any context, but probably especially to mental health professionals. In the last few months I have definately had some experiences that fall outside the realm of normal for me. Things that make me feel like I may actually be losing my mind. In particular, hallucinations (though these do seem to be linked to periods of extreme deprivation and seem quite benign when one considers what a hallucination could be.... its more shadows in my peripheral visions, strange patterns dancing off the wall and carpets ect) and dissociative states. Up until today, I would have said that I have experienced dissociative states beyond that which an average person would...we all do it, some of us just do it better than others I guess. Particulalrly in periods of real stress, ie after a horrible session, i would have no real memory of how I got home or what I'd been doing...it was like a mist I would slowly emerge from. But if I thought really hard, i could pinpoint the pertinenet details. Maybe not conversations, but yes, I saw that person. Maybe not how long, but I was in the Park for a while stuff like that. Until today. Today I blacked out an entire hour and a half, and I honestly have no recollection of what went on. I have evidence. (A new tooth in my mouth and an appointment for next month) but I went from lying in the dentist chair, beginning to panic, to being at home sitting on my bed, with an aching jaw and no idea how I got there. Just Blank. I even checked my medication to check i hadn't taken something. And frankly it scared the living shite out of me. Because I must have appeared normal-ish to the dentist or they would have kept me there. Or called someone. So "me" can leave my mind for an hour and a half and have some other seperate part of me take over, and no one notices?

I spoke to (K) and finally to (D) and (D) reassured me that everyone dissociates and whilst this was an extreme example it didn't mean I was going nuts. In fact given my fear of dentisits (not the pain, just feeling trapped and having things shoved in my mouth....flashbacks...enough said), given that I was alreasy under a wee bit of stress because the new attempt with efexor was not going to plan (same reaction, vertigo, but we're going to push on and see if it abates) and given that in general it has been a stressful few weeks, and there are a lot of changes coming up... it is quite understandable that it would happen. Rationally, I see her point, just as I did about the hallucinations, just as I do about the 'voices'.

But there is another part of me that thinks voices+hallucinations+losing periods of time is pretty much just leading me toward a nice cosy padded cell. It may be normal, expected or understandable to them, but to me it is just plain scary

Frocks and Fascinators

Therapy on Tuesday continued much in the same vein as Monday. The anger, the rage. We went back and tried to pinpoint exactly when the feeling started to overwhelm me, and concluded that in some ways it did come down to me feeling judged, and inadequate. But also, because I know inherently, it is not D's natural inclination to judge, the fear that arises from the vunerability and exposure of being with somebody who will regard me with unconditional positivity makes the "voice" very angry. D asked whether she could be privy to the conversation going on in my head between the "voice" and I, and I replied no. No from the voice, and no from me. She asked if I was trying to protect her or me? Both really. The "Voice" is a manifestation of a part of me I'm not too proud of, and it thinks some very nasty things about her (from my perspective). And the "Voice's" job is to keep my guard up and protect me from anyone who might hurt me, so he doesn't want her to be privvy to ANY information (from his perspective). It creates quite a quandry. She said quite firmly that if she could not be privvy to the conversation, then the "Voice" was going to have to quieten down so she and I could have one. (Is very strange to have somebody else see the "Voice" the same way as I do... intrinsically a part of me, yet distinctally individual of me) Well, of course that got the "Voice" quite het up... and sent me into a bit of a dissociative state, or at least deeply internalised and unable to deal with outside factors ie her. I actually don't really remember getting home.... about 4 hours I can't really account for which is incredibly scary, but has happened before, in extreme stressed out states.  Unfortunately due to Easter Long weekend, and a missed session tomorrow (only time I could get into Dentisit) I won't be seeing her for a week, which is the longest in between session break we have had, outside of time spent in hospital. She will be phone contactable and encouraged me to ring, but I am heading back to small rural town to spend time with family for the long weekend and phone reception is quite dodgy.


Had group this morning, which is going pretty well. Haven't said much about it on this blog because really, it is a collective experience and thus confidentiality does come into it, but aside from the first session (when I was quite mentally unwell to begin with) I have actually quite enjoyed it and gotten some positive effects out of it. Even if it is just a collection of "Ah, I thought it was just me that.....etc etc". And just the effect of having to get out of the house one more day per week has been positive. Will be quite sad when it is over to be honest.

As I said, Home for the long weekend. Off to the country races, so I found a fascinator to go with my frock today, now I just have to find shoes... I really hate high heels, but its a frock so....hmmmm

Down to the lowest dose of Avanza now, change to effexor tomorrow. Haven't noticed it soo much with the mood, but physically, have a pretty bad case of the shakes etc. Hope this attempt turns out better than the last try

Looking forward to Sunday, when all the chocolate comes!

Raging

I guess something must be working in therapy because today's session was just plain whack! (D) and I somehow got onto the topic of my grandparents and their high expectations of me. She said that their expectations were theirs to carry not mine, and I replied that in fact, the reason it hurt so much was because they were MY expectations too. I should have finished uni by now, I should have been working steadily for a few years, maybe met someone, started thinking about a family...time feels like it is running out, and none of those things seem even remotely possible on the near horizon. She started asking about my goals and expectations of myself, and I was just overcome with this all encompassing anger towards her. i shut down and it was all I could do to get through the next 20 minutes without throwing something at her or kicking her. I walked out of the session theinking WTF was that?

Thinking on it, I think we have a classic case of Transference going on here. When she asked about my goals, I felt like it was accusatory (even though there was nothing in her demeanour to make it even remotely seem so). What do you want to do? Becuase at the moment you are just buggarising around, wasteing everyones time and the taxpayers dollars. I have felt that sentiment (true or untrue) from many people in my life including myself.... and in that innocent question I transferred all that rage on to her. Because this is NOT what I want from my life. I don't want to be dependent on benefits. I want to be a useful, contributing member of society. And the curveballs that keep getting thrown my way just get me so dmaned angry.

Angry isn't something I'm used to, or particularly good at. So even though it was kind of a shitty session...I guess we are making progress, no?

Weird or what?

Health related, not mental health related. So, living in Australia, land of skin cancer, and being a fair-skinned red head (at least I think that's my hair colour, I have been dyeing it since I was 14, so am a little unsure as to what the natural colour really is now....) I have to keep an eye on moles etc. My Aunt had a very nasty melanoma cut out years ago, so we have had the whole sun safety thing drilled into us. I get them checked once in a while by my GP. However, I noticed about a week or so ago, my body seems to have "eaten" a mole. That is...there was a mole on my chest, and now there is just a white circle where the mole used to reside....Hmmm... does this constitute a change requiring a checkup? They say if they change shape or colour...they don't say anything about if they just fecking dissappear on you! Maybe I should make appointment with GP just in case.

Mental Health related. Well, kinda shite. Lil sis, off to the coast for the weekend. Me, alone in the house with cats and thought gremlins....and liquor. Got a little drunk last night, just to mute the voices in my head a little. Wee bit of self harm... Not good. Up today. Did housework, gardening, headed off to BBQ. Spoke with (D) Worried about being home alone again tonight. Spoke through my options and decided to give it a try, with some caveats. No drinking. Check in via phone with a friend later tonight. Brunch still on for tomorrow. Am being well behaved. And the thought gremlins are kicking my arse for it!

Am off to read some blogs, drink my milo and cuddle my cat

Big Girls Don't Cry

My cat just knocked over a whole bunch of photo frames and then had the nerve to look at me with disdain, because the noise made her jump....

So, I'm sitting here with my warm cup of milo, starting my bedtime wind down. I have some Sia playing softly in the background, which I will soon switch over to the special "sleep" CD that (D) gave me. The house has been tidied away. Bed time routine has been completed. The world is quiet. except for my head. But its never really quiet in there. And I have been reflecting on the day.

I got up quite early and got a fair amount of work done in the garden, another bed weeded, the rockery cleared away and some lavender planted. I really hope it takes, I love the smell of lavender and it is quite close to where I usually sit outside. (M) arrived for our Case Management meeting at 9am, and was, I think, pleasantly suprised to see me out and about in the garden. She did that uber, over the top type praise, that reeks of behaviour modification. Positive attention for positive behaviours and all that. But in essence, it is right. It is good for me to be out in the fresh air, and getting busy, particularly if it is physical. (Although all that digging doesn't seem to have helped with the sleep at all...sigh) We spoke about what my options were if I decided not to go ahead with Uni this semester (that's a whole different post!) And then she dropped her bombshell. In less than three weeks she will be going on leave for two months. Which means a new Case Manager for me in the interim. While I tried to focus on not over reacting and losing my shit (the girl does deserve a holiday afterall!) she talked about how I still had (D) and (K) Consumer Advocate, and that the New BabyPsychDoc and I seem to be developing somewhat of a rapport. But, ugh, a new person. I just don't handle that sort of stuff very well. It will be a challenge. And whilst the maladapted part of me is feeling just a wee bit abandoned, it is a good opportunity really for me to start using some of the interpersonal skills I'm supposed to be developing.

Of course then my mind (and the gremlins) went a lil crazy and started to worry (D) was going to up and leave. (Coincidentally, she is scheduled a few days of leave the same week that (M) starts her leave, which is unfortunate timing, but will be phone contactable). So by the time I got to appointment with (D) in the afternoon, I was quietly despondant.We talked of course about attachement, dependency and mature dependency, We talked about how little I had actually shared about my past with any of the MH professionals. I mean, they know I was abused as a child. That's about the sum of it. They really have no real idea of what I went through. And according to (D) anyways it rates up there on the severe end... I was overcome with an overwhelming sadness. Tears silently making there way down my face as I drifted away from (D). When she called me back to her, and I realised I'd been crying, I was mortified. I don't "do" crying in front of people. Maybe was a good thing, in the end? I don't know.

Just feeling a bit sad, confused and abandoned tonight.

Second Try

Had appointment with BabyPsychDoc yesterday. She is much better than the previous registrar my consultant had. Anyways, she obviously had taken the time to read my chart and also knew a bit about my 'case' so she was able to ask the "right" kind of questions, and was not purely medication driven. With that in mind, we did address my failed attempt to start Effexor. She thought the reaction I had on Friday sounded like postural hypertension, and may be from the way we attempted to titrate with the Avanza. So now, will take Avanza (30) until Monday of next week, Avanza (15) Tuesday and Wednesday and then switch to Effexor Thursday to see if there is still any reaction, whilst there is staff about to call, if I do have another reaction. So Effexor has not been written off yet!

We spoke briefly about my manic cleaning/organising phase and she suggested gardening, which was quite comical as I had just brought some seeds and new gardening gloves, which were in my bag at the time. Snap! I got a good start on preparing the beds today, but am limited to how much gardening I can do, as even at the beginning of autumn it still gets pretty dang hot here in Australia.

I got out of the house to catch up with a friend for a coffee. (Smiley sticker for me!) Tomorrow, I have Case Manager (M) in the morning then (D) in the afternoon. Afterwards I am going to catch up with a different friend (B) for coffee in the city and I have something little and social planned for both days this weekend (plus my volunteer shift on Sunday) (More smiley stickers for me!)

Make my brain stop

I can not stop thinking.

I have cleaned the house from top to bottom

I have rearranged my bedroom

I can not stop thinking

I sorted through my belongings and clothings and pared down to the bare minimum... I even gave away books

I dusted, wiped, vacuumed.

I baked

I can not stop thinking

I'm now in the process of weeding the gardens

I am going to grow lavender and sweet peas

I can not stop thinking

For the love of God, Why can't I stop thinking???

Wish I could stop thinking about it

Beating a dead horse, so to speak, but this is what's on my mind, so this is what I'lll write about. The push for Behavioural Psychotherapies (particularly Dialectical Behavioural therapy) over the plethora of other psychotherapies available.

I supposed the one thing that really sticks in my craw, is the concept that my reactions ot life events is wrong, and that I need to 'fix' those reactions. The way I see it (when I'm not immersed in self loathing) is that one can have a normal reaction to a normal event or a normal reaction to an ABNORMAL event. What I endured as a child, certainly falls within the category of abnormal, my reactions to it do not. As much as I may feel like a nutter at times! So, it would follow, I believe the work needs to be done around the ABNORMAL events, processing, accepting etc and NOT my normal reactions to these events.

The second issue I have is with what is essentially the manualisation of the therapy process. Follow A, B and C to heal X issue. The reality is it is not as simple as a broken foot. When you are healing a soul, a personality, no two are the same, and thus no identical treatment plans will work for two different patients. Sure, you can use experience to inform your practice, but not to mandate it.

Both of the above, particulalry with an unskilled or overworked practitioner can quite easily lead to a "Blame the victim" mentality. It doesn't work, so you obviously don't WANT to get better. Because statistics say, you should be!

Thirdly, I have existed virtually my entire life in my mind. I have detached from my emotions to the point where I was completely numb and cut off from them. I have had many years and experience using CBT type techniques through my old psychiatrist, and yes, it did help to keep the suicidality somewhat at bay, because I was completely numb to life. I need to live in the realm of emotions and feelings too, if I am to really live. Not put them in a bucket.

I knew this process was going to be painful, but I continue to commit to it, despite the three hours its takes out of my day (one hour travel each way). There has to be a reason for that. Anyways. That's where my thoughts are at. Wish I could stop thinking on it, to be honest.